Warning

The following is observation, not a complaint.

Parenting a child with autism is hard work. It is a sure fire way to feel crazy, and out of control.

There's nothing else in my life where I can be so sure that I'm doing the right thing, and then the next moment just *sure that I've done something terribly wrong for the past whatever amount of time. Not just "gee, let me fix that". I mean full blown in your face, make your blood run cold "I've been SO WRONG!!" panicky feeling.

I'm sure that it's quite possible that any parent of a special needs child feels this way. Like they've done something wrong. Or if that you just did such and such *right, that it would cease to be a problem. And it never goes away. It shifts. It changes. And yet it's still there. It might evolve, or maybe whatever the hot button issue is disappears, maybe for a long time, and then suddenly, right when you thought that you never would have to deal with ______ again, there it is. It's in your face, smacking you upside the head, and making you feel, well. Crazy. Questioning yourself. Asking the same question to yet another person, and you can *tell they don't understand, but you can't make yourself stop talking, because maybe, just maybe, they'll have the magic answer.

And they never do. So you keep searching.

And of course, you take time out of your busy schedule to blame yourself - or maybe you don't. Maybe it's just me. Did I:

eat something that I shouldn't have
not eat enough of something, depriving him of nutrients in utero
say something I shouldn't have
say yes to the Doppler when I should have said no
Not held him the right way
Held him too much
Left him alone at the wrong time
Gave him the wrong food as a first food
And so on.

While I have more than one child on the autism spectrum, I'm speaking mostly of my 11 yo son, Constant. We seem to have hit a new era of behavior, and management (or rather, lack of management). Anxiety in full gear. Unexpected occurences, like the 14 yo glancing at him to see if he's asleep, and he sees her, and kicks the wall and screams that he's being stared at. Two seconds, and that was it. Full blown, full tilt, over the top reaction. From 0 to 60, in two seconds.

Like I said, this isn't a complaint. It's a statement of fact. It just IS. When people say "hope your day gets better", what they don't understand is this IS my life. It's like this EVERY day. It's just a matter of *how much* of it I get every day. On a good day, I can strike the balance, keep everything even, and head off meltdowns simply by recognizing signs ahead of time. On a bad day, we can move from crisis to crisis, while keeping the other kids in check, and trying to do daily household things like laundry, meals, and bedtime at decent times (and on a REALLY bad day, all of our autism kids will have an "off" day. Those are the days that there *better be a bottle of wine in the frig!). On either day, I can be taken aback and astonished at a one sentence observation he makes, seeing something in the world I never would.

When he was younger, it wasn't so noticeable. As he's gotten older, you can tell. I mean, handflapping when you're in Target? Telltale sign. Screaming meltdown over..... I don't even know what. Waking up at 11 at night after having been asleep for three hours, screaming? Not so normal.

Was it something I did?

Realistically, I know it isn't.

I still question. I can't help it.